Ever since Day 1 of Navy boot camp, they pitch you this idea that Australia is the dream port.  The rumors go like this: the girls are amazingly hot, girl-to-guy ratio is 8:1 and they all love Americans, Aussie men treat their women like shit because the get the pick of the litter, women are just waiting for you to get off the boat, Adopt-A-Sailor, guys missing ship movement, blah blah blah.  Well, after my first deployment in 2004 got “extended,” we headed to Perth, Australia.

 

Perth Western Australia

 

The names of those in the story are undisclosed (as with all my stories) to protect the innocent.  The only people who know the identities are me, those involved, and probably some of my buddies from the Navy.

 

I heard rumors of women throwing tennis balls at the boat with their phone numbers in order to get some sailor and chics even eating each other out as the liberty boats would pull into the pier.  (The tennis balls may not be true since these girls would have to have a cannon arm to get to the carrier anchored 2 miles out…as for chics eating each other out, well I dunno…that would be awesome if true.)  Well, when we got to the pier at Freemantle, there were index cards posted up of girls looking for sailors to show around town (mainly, they were looking for fighter pilots, but that can’t be too hard to fake, right?).  Whorehouses handing out business cards with the American flag on them and the quote, “the place the Yanks wore out” or something along those lines (the boat was there the year before during the Shock and Awe campaign and were out to sea for 180 days straight I guess, so I could see that happening.)  My buddies and I took the train to Perth and partied out in town, mainly looking for beers and titty bars, which was a success, and I partied so hard, I lost my voice. We all had to be back on the boat the next day, so we took a cab back to the boat for our mandatory 24 hours of duty.

 

The next day, a buddy and I got a hotel room of at the Burswood Resort and Casino.  It was $110/night and discounted from 50% so we took it and split the cost.  We planned to meet at the hotel that night and I met up with another friend who I took the train with into Perth.  Sitting on the train, a cute girl walked up to us and asked if we were American, this girl was on her way to work, but she skipped work (at some festival/carnival thing) to show us around, took us back to her boss who asked us, “Are you in Perth to see the kids?” We told her it was our first time, so she became less cynical.  Then, she took us grocery shopping, then back to her place.  My buddy got a piece of that, so I left and headed to the Burswood.

 

When my buddy and I checked in, we found out that the only thing they had available was a room with only one king-sized bed.  We decided to roll with it and hope we scored tonight.  We proceeded to go to Northbridge to party and pick up chics.  As it came to no surprise, there were a bunch of squids there.  The hot Navy chics who wouldn’t talk to you on the boat, now all of a sudden, they’re all dressed to the nines and trying to talk to you, because they all know about the Aussie girls.  Of course, I just blew the Navy chics by the wayside.  We found a place that was kinda chill and less squids.  After partying and drinking like a sailor the entire night, an Indian girl with a hot Aussie accent (I love accents) came up to me to chat me up.  She asked where I was staying and I told her the Burswood, so she took me by the hand and dragged me out the bar.  We passed my buddy and I pulled him out as well.  We all got into a cab and booked it to the Burswood.

 

When we got to the lobby, we decided to go into the casino to find my friend a girl.  Just in luck, there was a bachelorette party group right as we walked into the casino floor.  We talked to the girls and my buddy picked up the one with “nice personality.”  She really was a nice girl, but well…..nevermind.  Anyways, we all went up to our room and confronted the dilemma with one bed.  While my buddy and this girl just talked, I was dragged into the bathroom.  I was told, “Listen mate, I have no problem with casual sex or sex without commitment.  If you wanna find another bird in the casino, I got no problem with that and I’ll stay here for the night with no issues.” I told her, “Look, I won tonight.” I don’t need to go into more details…except that my buddy and this girl wouldn’t stop talking on the bed, so we “used” the bed as well right next to them.

The only reason I had to wake up the next morning to walk her out was that you needed a key to run the elevator…

Part 2 is the post-drunk, hungover, and drunk again of our last night in Australia.

And of course,

 

 

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I’ve seen and done a lot of cool shit while I was in the Navy. From hanging out at the Colosseum, to the girls in Australia, to Dubai…I’ve done some cool shit. If I had known that I would’ve taken this route of writing about my adventures, I would’ve taken more pictures and actually taken pics on the boat as well.

Definitely one time I regret not having a camera was when we were doing exercises off the coast of Florida aboard the USS Theodore Roosevelt. It was a pitch black night except that one orange light that gave a little bit of light on the flight deck and I was leaning against a helicopter watching the jets land on the flight deck. I thought to myself, “What another boring night.” To normal people, watching jets land on a carrier flight deck might be some awesome shit, but when that is your life day in and day out for six months out of a year, it loses its luster.

When you are aboard the flight deck during flight operations, you have to wear specific flight deck safety gear, like camouflage with the pockets sewn, a long jersey that’s almost like a sweater, an inflatable life vest, and a helmet with ear protection and goggles. For the most part, everyone looks pretty uniform aboard the flight deck. However, on that night as I was watching jets land by myself, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and see two men. One tall guy who was wearing khaki pants and looked kinda clean with his protective equipment (therefore, I assumed he was an officer, also senior enlisted and officers where khaki pants in the Navy) and a short little bearded guy wearing civilian clothes. In the military, everyone is required to be clean-shaven, so I was taken aback. When I saw this guy, I thought to myself, “Who the fuck are you?” He reached his hand out and said to me, “You’re doing a good job, sailor.” I shook his hand and leaned in closer. Then I realized it was Chuck Norris!! I screamed out, “Holy shit!!! You are Chuck Norris.” I basically acted like a little school girl for like 2 minutes until the Public Affairs officer said, “Mr. Norris, we have to go.” I couldn’t believe it until I went down to eat in the mess decks and I saw a big crowd. I walked through the crowd and I saw Chuck Norris in the middle of the group. I came up to him and thanked him for making my night and he smiled and said, “No problem.”

Chuck Norris is surprisingly short. Then, he roundhoused kicked me off the flight deck. I survived making me the most badass person on this Earth (next to Bruce Lee and of course, Chuck Norris).